Joy, Cynicism, and the Selfish Heart

It would seem to be common sense that a selfish person should want nothing more than happiness and joy for himself. After all, joy appears to be something that all people want. From classical Greece to the present, men have sought the summum bonum, the greatest good or the good life. Naturally, we should think that someone who desires their own good above all others would be terribly greedy for this state. However, lately I have explored the idea that selfishness and joy are utter opposites. You cannot have one without the other. I do not want to confuse what I call "joy" with what is commonly referred to as "happiness." I have known very many selfish people who are completely happy. I have also seen people who are utterly sad and yet possess joy. Happiness comes when we have have our worldly desires and needs met. Joy, however, is something far deeper and existential.

The great theologian St. Augustine spoke of the blessed life, an ideal existence characterized by "rest" - by which Augustine meant something like the Jewish concept of shalom. It is a state of utter peace, tranquility, and love. The concept of the Trinity - diversity in unity -was especially important to Augustine and other early church writers. Here was the idea that love is something inherent in God, as God is community of Father, Son, and Holy Spirit, characterized by perichoresis - or the divine dance of love. Rest, then, is a state of eternal peace whereby the strivings of a weary mankind are ended by an unending communion of love. I will use Augustine's concept of the "blessed life" for what I mean by joy; I believe that Augustine had singular insight into the inner life. Indeed, I have found that if you want really profound insight into the human soul, you must read someone who wrote at least 200 years ago. If there is one thing that characterizes modern man it is his utter inability to think deeply about anything. This is because we are in a constant state of distraction; we are everywhere preoccupied. Our culture encourages or even coerces us into unending business. The cultivate the inner life requires meditation and a will to plumb the murky depths of your own soul. Augustine found by looking deep into his soul he found two things; a irresistible longing for joy and an insatiable selfishness.

My first month at seminary has encouraged me to likewise plumb the depths of my soul. Since my life has been put under the scrutiny of the unbearable light of God's perfection in my first month here, I have come to grasp my own selfishness and cynicism. I have also come to realize that what I call joy has been the thing that I have been seeking my whole life, ever since I was a child. Perhaps in those peaceful days of childhood, when we scarcely notice time or the cares of this world and we are ever surrounded by our parents' love, we come the closest to comprehending true joy. But even here it is only a shadow of the real blessed life. Indeed, a return to an infantile state, full of stubbornness and ignorance, would be a step back away from true joy. Joy is not a golden age to be reclaimed, but a far off country we are on a pilgrimage towards. And childhood, like the beginning of a great journey, is full of its own exuberance, optimism, and lack of cares, but only because it is naive and does not fully comprehend that great trek that lies before it. It is not closer to real joy, it merely comprehends it easier because it has not yet been subjected to the hardships and doubts of our expedition, which cause us to lose sight of our destination. I have progressed steadily onward in this journey, ever looking for a place to end my pilgrimage. In every stop along the pathway of life I have looked for that ultimate rest, but have only ever found temporary lodgings. And yet, ever growing within me is sense that true rest, blessedness, and joy lies "further up and further in."

And here comes the second characteristic of my life. For if children are joyous, they are also wilful and at times selfish. If from childhood I progressed in my journey towards joy, I also progressed in my own selfishness. We are so often fooled by our cultivation of good manners that we really think we are becoming humbler; in reality we are simply becoming better at hiding our self-centeredness. And here I return to my original point; selfishness and joy are utter foes. Selfishness inevitably breeds cynicism, whereas only humility and love can cultivate true joy. Joy is not something that we take into ourselves, but rather it is something that surrender to or cast ourselves upon. We are absorbed into it, not it into us. It comes only when we surrender ourselves utterly God and our neighbor, when we mimic the perichoresis or divine dance of God. Yet selfishness is opposed to any surrendering of itself. Instead, it produces cynicism, the ultimate conclusion of human pride. Cynicism places the whole world under judgment for not meeting our standards and expectations. It is hostile to and critical of all things to avoid the chance of ever being taken in by one of them. To praise something else, to profess loyalty to something else, to love something else is abhorrent to it, for this entails surrendering a bit of itself to something that is not itself. The cynic fears to elevate something foreign to himself, for if he did this, his claims to autonomous detachment and judgment would be suspended.

Therefore, selfishness despises joy. It can only embrace joy by submitting to joy, and it clings to its cynical refusal to surrender even one bit of oneself to a foreign power. Of late I have come to realize this characteristic in me. It was startling presented to me when I came across to foreign students, who appear to have fortunately thus far avoided contracting the lamentable American characteristic of being utterly unsatisfied in the midst of plenty. When I politely asked how they were, they responded that they were truly excellent - and what is more they sincerely meant it. I realized that I lacked their joy. Whereas they approached life avoid of selfishness and cynicism, I was full of it. And here is the great battle that lies within us. It comprises the ultimate plotline of Augustine's Confessions. We long for joy, we pray "Thou has created us for Thyself, and our hearts are not at rest until they rest in thee." And yet we refuse to disabuse ourselves of our selfish greed, because we do not want to rest in anything but ourselves. We desire the blessed life and yet we look for it everywhere except where we can truly find it. We turn to the material things of this world to satiate, even for a moment, our innate longings. Yet in the end we are like the alcoholic who intoxicates himself as a means to escape. In the end, what is required is to be imitators of Christ. We must lose our lives if we are to find them. We must press onward in our journey for the land that heartily welcomes us to become subjects in the kingdom of eternal joy.